| | It's just unreal and i can't believe she's gone. we found out on april 12th that she had metastatic bone and liver cancer, and she passed away on may 12th. the decline was so quick.. and now it's just unreal sadness and helplessness and not knowing what to do.. there's so much stress.. i just want her here and she'll never be here again. i want to get as far away as humanly possible. May 17th was the calling hours, May 18th was the funeral.. this girl i had a falling out with four years ago actually came to the calling hours and didn't even say anything to me, she gave me this half hearted hug and then moved to my dad and started saying all these things, so i went to my friend who brought her and said why did you bring her? he said she's here for you and for your mom.. and i said no she isn't and i don't want her here.. she's one of those people who always imposes herself on situations to make them be about her.. it took some of the healing out of the calling hours for me. some people have no boundaries.. now her name is in my mom's memorial book for all eternity.. maybe i sound cold but that was just upsetting. she had no right to be there but whatever i have bigger problems.
In 2006 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and they thought that they got it all. she did everything right she took all the medicines she was supposed to and never skipped. she thought she hurt her back at work and started going to physical therapy and physical therapy was making it worse, and so was the chiropractor. and then the pain moved to her chest so knowing her history they did a bone scan april 11th and found cancer in her spine, sternum, ribs, femur and then did more tests and found it in her liver. the cancer in her liver wasn't a tumor, it was spider veins so they couldn't remove it with surgery. they tried doing radiation first because they thought that the cancer was more aggressive in her bones, and at first there was just a small spot on her liver, then the last week they realized that it was very aggressive in her liver. From the time she was diagnosed you could see the decline almost daily. i think some of it was the cancer and some of it was her not seeing an end to the cancer, because once you have metastatic breast cancer attached to your bones it's always going to be attached to your bones, from my understanding.
My Mom was always there for me, when i had a psychotic break in 1998 and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, my mom never saw me differently. My mom always stood up for me. My mom always loved me. I just wish i had shown her more how much i loved her.
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| | Posted 6/1/2009 12:22 PM - 66 Views - 34 eProps - 18 comments
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